Some Bands Really Know Where To Put The Trumpets And Where To Put The Werewolves

Agressor - Medieval Rites (Season of Mist-1999)

First: The sound of rain. Then the sound of a gently plinked guitar. Then the sound of Gollum. Then the sound of power chords. Then the sound of...trumpets? All in the first 30 seconds. Then death metal drums, human screams, and an unearthly vocal choir. And then the sound of horses galloping. Then operatic crooning and ace noodling. More trumpets. Then churchbells. Next: Concorde-fast tech death. Then: "The Woodguy-vs-The Black Beast", your standard ages-of-old folk song of indeterminate ethnic origin featuring acoustic guitar, flute, and the subtle sounds of an ominous wind. Next: More speedy grumblings and fretfully tricky guitar work. Then: extra evil evil. Along with wolves howling, monkish chants, and heroic mountain-top soloing. Snarls. Gnashing of teeth. The sound of a campfire burning. More dark folk. A fiddle! Then more hateful riffs. Then the lyrics: "Ancient breed, spacemen, hallucination, a twisted vision, chariot of fire, flying saucers, people from star, or maybe they are god from the sky". Then a King Diamond cover. Then more flutes. And a jew's harp! Then more desecration of all that is holy. Then swinging horns, deathlessly crunchy riffs, and klezmer fiddle. Screams. Three seconds of operatic soprano diva-ness. A coda of voice and fiddle. And last but not least: One minute and twenty seconds of soothing classical guitar that wafts into oblivion. And that, my friends, is how you make a French heavy metal album. `  ¶ 3/08/2004